Splendour in the Grass

Hello homos. Yeah I'm gonna leave up that piccie of Miranda Kerr cos i think she is the hottest chick I don't know, even though she has committed the cardinal sin of marrying the hetero way.

So I came to Splendour prepared to observe the lezzelles. What are they wearing? Do they have nice tattoos? Piercings? Do I like their hair and do I want to steal that idea for my next haircut?

All of this I do for you, dear reader.

In the line for the showers at a festival campground was a good opportunity for me to check out the flame-haired chick with the forearm tatt. I decided to include Jess in my observations and garner some comment for the purposes of the blog.

“hey look at her, nice tatt eh”
“what?”
“behind me”
“who?”
“the chick with the red hair and cool tatt, that I’m pointing at, thaaaat one”
“ummm reeal subtle chops”

Obviously I was alone in this review of Splendour lezzas. A lone wolf you might say. No doubt being the 'newcomer', I do need some honing of the gaydar. Of course I was also there for the music. Just don't ask me what I saw.

I carried on with my task dutifully. I optimistically decided she was gay, due to tatt, piercings, hair and general demeanour. So far i have not been proved technically wrong in my 'optimism'.

While we are on the subject of the shower block, the toilets were ‘composting” not only non-shagworthy but I think I used the term putrid for the smell. Better than a Youth Hostel though, I’m sure.

I was hanging at the Mix-up tent and was about to start crapping on to some chick about the band, when her gf returned. I am not brave or stupid enough to sidle up to a couple unless properly introduced. Chicks are reeeal possessive at the best of times, and I ain’t gonna put myself in a position to get into a stinkeye match with a stranger who had a chain instead of a belt.

Seeing Florence and the Machine was a kickass highlight (amongst many others) and inspired a dye job of my hacked up and shaved hair. Hypnotic Red by L'Oreal. This little winner is proving to be getting me some nice comments amongst the womenfolk at work. The menfolk also seem to dig it which is less fun.

Post-Splendour was a roadtrip to Byron, back where I grew up. We chowed down on some delicious buttermilk pancakes at the Clarks Beach cafe where the staff are quite pretty and I quite like their little aprons. They don't actually look like this, but i have a little imagination.

There is also a fine establishment called the Green Garage where I purchased the required daily coffee and made nice with the lady with all the piercings. Let's call her Dale. I also like that she didn't ask me to pay for the first two coffees i got there. Sweet.

Am I ever gonna get too old to check women out and stop being a dirty perve?? Lets give it a few more years at least, I'm still learning.

xx Charlie

Cube Canberra

Yep, it's the one you've all been waiting for... Speck rates Cube! I think this could be an ongoing rate...

Cube's my favourite nightclub... I'm open to being shown a better one though - if a better one exists!! You may think there are many out there but do they have everything that Cube has?? Including that real fun spot on the stagey/dancefloory bit in front of the 2-way mirror? Cause if your club don't got that... it better have something to match it. Hmmm, like free Harley rides or well chipped underwear that does that pounding vibrating thing in time to the bass line. Ooo ooo ooo, I wonder if I could make something like that? How much fun would that be? Party in the pants... AAAALLL the time :-p

I like the dude that owns/manages the joint too. You will hear him on the microphone at some point throughout a big night with the catch phrase (which describes the philosophy of Cube to a tee) "Welcome to Cube everybody. This is a gay nightclub, so if you don't like it FUCK OFF!!".

Cube has a zero violence policy, see what they say on their website -

"....Above all Cube boasts a Zero Violence Policy within the club ensuring the safest clubbing experience possible.

Like the carousel located out the front of the club in the heart of the City, just come in and enjoy the ride. Take a break from the everyday; learn to play the gay way and party Cube style for a night. From Thursday to Sunday you can paint the town rainbow before the weekend starts and well after it’s over.

We don’t care where you’ve been before…"

And check them out at their website (I thought I was real clever here and had managed to figure out how to post the link, but alas, upon previewing, I found that I am still stupid - over to you Charlie :-) )Speck dances real hot at CUBE :) Charlie

My recollection of the rating game is lacking at present so sorry if it's not true to the original formula Scoot!! Hmmm, the deviation from clarity and sobriety upon arrival at Cube is generally fairly high, although I do recall having been sober once or twice - and still had a good time (pfft what-evaaa)

The eye candy is usually grand! And if there's none on the dance floor, on the couches, in the cage or in the cave then there's always some behind the bar or the lecturney looking thingy where you pay your money to get in.

I haven't shagged in the bathroom but I hear it's shagworthy to some... but so's the cage apparently... and the couch... and that little spot behind the mirror eh eh eh??

And I'd hate to give it all away by telling you all the stories we have about the goings on there so you'll just have to come and see it to believe it. (Let us know when you're going and we'll come meet you!)

It's fairly well anything goes and you can be completely at ease with whoever you so desire to be (or be all over) on the night!!

In winter, bring a warm jacket cause one of the other interesting things about Cube is its outdoorsy culture. I've been wondering when they're going to make it official, or do some fancy demolition/renovation work and bring the stairs (and the rest of the outdoor interesting chat spots) into the club somehow.

Cube gets 9 out of 10 from me - and this is subject to review post Brisvegas and Perth. If I can't find anything anywhere near Cube's league around the rest of the country, it's going to get upgraded to a 10! (And if you don't like it - FUCK OFF!)

Speck

Chicks with Picks

hola homos. so it's been an eventful coupla weeks. Let's start with Chicks with Picks http://www.chickswithpicks.com.au/gigguide/

This is an evening of entertainment every month at a bargain price of $5 with a free beer thrown in. You have a pub (the Clare Hotel) on Broadway in Sydney, with a bloody difficult entrance. We do not like pubs that are hard to get into. We have better things to do. Jess and I went elsewhere while we waited for someone smarter to navigate their way in first.

After a beverage at a nearby public house, we approached again and noted the signage now artfully displayed to lead us to the lezza den. Left at the pokies and we were in! Beer in hand we staked a claim on some couches and awaited the other Sydney fags.

Now. Speck would want me to discuss the toilets. There was one. One… which left room for a whole lotta line chats. Or barbed insults at the bitch who was currently enjoying emptying her fulsome (HAHA) bladder in the only toilet. After taking longer than a microsecond to do so, I copped a sarcastic "enjoying your pee?” and on leaving the unshagworthy cubicle found the offender to be a friend of a friend. Hahaha. Awkward. For her.

Now, it’s about the artists. The musicians. Rock and roll and all that shit. Fuck no. I was looking (for your sake of course) at the crowd. I haven’t seen so many dykes collectively since Mardi Gras. I was fascinated. There were hipsters hanging off the bar. A few older butches looked like they were camping there, like they weren’t ever gonna get up of that couch again.

I graciously accepted the task of minding seats for a nice young group of ladies going for a fag. Epic fail when I looked away for a second and only managed to save the seat my arse was on…. I was going to disappoint the nice lezzas who had put their trust in me! The other bitches did not appreciate my dilemma! Do I risk enraging the chick who has clearly sat next to me without even a “how you doin’?” by demanding her departure? Or ‘fess up to cute chicks that my witty banter about my preparedness to pretend to be borderline psychotic in order to protect their precious seats was a farce? What if on their return they are infuriated, and claw at my hair with their little short harpy nails???

Crisis averted when interloper went to the bar before hot chicks returned. Task successfully completed I returned to my velour couch to keep gawking. Problem for the Sydney bitches is that invariably at one of these ‘events’ someone’s ex or ex-shag is bound to be there. For the Canberra lezzas this is a whole new territory! Bonus!

All said, Chicks with Picks is worth a look on a Sunday night, especially if lesbian overload is your thing.

Lata lezzas. Enjoy yourself.

Tilley's

Tilley's is one of our favourite hangouts in the 'berra. It's comfortable (saw some chicky having a nap there the other day), serves great food, coffee and wine (and beer and spirits), always has something pleasant playing through the speakers and I don't think I've ever been there and NOT seen a lezza... Ooo ooo ooo, once I went there and saw Tex Perkins. That was fucking awesome. Another time I went there and watched my cousin and her troop do their sexy egyption gyrations... but enough about that... rate rate rate. Indie will be so proud of her posse! She's gone to Vietnam for a couple of weeks, so we "gettin bizay" on this 'em here blogspot like good girls :-)

Right then - so Tilley's is a bit famous in Canberra. I know some people know Canberra is the capital of Australia... I think maybe more people know it's the home of Tilley's. If you hop on to their website (which you'll have to find yourself unless one of the bitches helps me out here because I've been trying to figure out how to put links and pastes in but I'm clearly too stupid for blogspots and have been unsuccessful so far - Tilleys there you go sweetpea - Charlie. you'll see that Tilley's has been around since 1986 and you'll also see a few of the reasons why Tilley's got to be so high profile. The music scene is one reason, but I think the biggest reason is the rule that used to be enforced which was that groups of men had to have at least one woman with them to be allowed entry. These days many people refer to Tilley's as "the lesbian bar" or "oh, that place that used to be women-only?". Incorrect but interesting.

Anytime you're there there's generally a medium density of lezzas and the quality is variable. I like the staff. They're real friendly and helpful and if you take a peek over the bar (wear heels if you're short because jumping up and down, while fun, ofttimes draws strange looks) sometimes you can see some very cute/cool/hot outfits :-p !! The toilets are not shagworthy, especially not in winter cause they're really f'n cold. I'm beginning to despair of ever finding a shagworthy toilet (and starting to have grave concerns about JJ's standards) and think that if I do I'm going to have to shag in it immediately...

Tilley's - I'm going to give it a 9.5 out of 10 (subject to change) because it's got everything, all the time. This posse love it.

Speck

Canberra: EPIC Markets

Hey there lesbos. This is the start of the Canberra reviews. They'll come slow and steady. We'll cover all sorts of hangouts we've found while living here as well as the predictable places, like Cube.

Today I start with EPIC markets, which are on Saturdays from 8 til 11 am at Exhibition Park - http://www.capitalregionfarmersmarket.com.au

Date reviewed: 3rd July 2010

Time reviewed: around 10am

Drunkenness: Zero, not even any residual rounds from the night before
Density: Medium
Quality: Medium
Types: It's a Saturday morning so the leso style of choice is trackies and hoodies
Engagement: Low
Food/Drink: High - look out for the free samples
Service: Varies from stall to stall considerably, but generally low
Toilet shag worthy? No toilets as far as I know
Score: 0

The downfall of attending the markets is there is a mix of people who are hanging around drinking coffee and well, probably perving, and others who go in to shop and then leave. My uber-cool and savvy gaydar sidekick, Charlie, should have had her game on this particular Saturday but I think she gets distracted by the food and losing me amongst the masses. The other big problem at the markets: couples! Hopefully, Charlie and I don't get mistaken for a couple (Dude, we totally do. I think it's the way you touch my hair ... - Charlie) . I feel I remedy this by going on little walks by myself to high in female density areas of the markets. The markets don't just attract food-searching lesbians, but also food-searching cohabiting lesbians. Groan.

There's a few types to avoid, that's for sure.

1. Trolley-wielders. They are bolshy. I have a very low tolerance for the trolley-ers.

And watch out for IBT - Injury By Trolley. There's a lot of shoving and elbows that makes me feel unstable, angry and caffeine deprived. Mornings are hard enough without the competitive behaviour that seems to go with buying a loaf of bread.

P.S. Trolley-wielders never look like this:

2. Hippy lesos. They won't let you eat steak and non-organic, even when you're poor. They're probably in a drum circle group too. And they din't always shower and wash their hair regularly. You like me heaps when I stereotype, huh? That's right, you love it.

3. And of course, the married couples.

Epic is my favourite spot for a Saturday morning. And the less hardcore shoppers who are just there to hang out appear around 9 or 10. Early is painful and boring. There definitely are regulars, which includes a healthy dose of local lesbians. You know who you are ;) Oh yeah, there's food there too.

Indie.

Lesbiche Italiano

Ok, so I went on a big gay homosexual trip to Europe. I would like to say I came prepared in that I knew that the National Organisation for Lesbians in Italy is called Lesbiche Italiano – which I fucking love btw. Let’s put it on a t-shirt. Maybe this website would help me..

http://www.noconformgirl.com/5-vetements-lesbiens.

And Speck and I had stayed up late looking at gay club websites in Rome and trying to find ones without naked dudes. But it turns out it is harder to find your own when in unfamiliar surrounds.

Roman Holiday

Trastevere was talked up as the coolest place in Rome to people watch, and I was not disappointed. I went on a Saturday night and there was hordes of beautiful people milling in the cobblestone streets and having late dinners. The streets are so narrow you basically have to grope people to get past. Note: I do not mind this at all women.

Problem is when lezza spotting in Italy, inevitably when I thought a chick was so gay it hurt, she came complete with steak knives and a surly expression. Only Indie would dare approach such women and live to talk about it.

Trastevere is also where you can find the Lesbiche Italiano office. You can find some more lesbiche links at http://www.ellexelle.com/. Yeah, you gotta translate the page.

Under the Tuscan Sun

Tuscany was quiet, more tourists than hot Italian women. But the stunning beauty of the olive groves, the vineyards, the green hills and poppies in bloom made up for the lack of other visual cues. Although Valentina at the Barberino Pizzeria near the church was friendly and spoke English in a very cute way. See above, the friendly ones are straaaaaaaight…

Lake George Clooney

Again, a bit of a tourist mecca but Francesca at the Bellagio Internet café (fyi not her real name, but the hot ones were either Valentina or Francesca) made the best café latte we had in Italy. Mmm.. grazie. Also good to go for appertivo between 6 and 9pm and have a drink and leer at the locals.

One night in Paris

The beautiful City of Light. I had resorted to the Lonely Planet for the gay and lesbian venues and was off to Marais for the day wearing my best non-touristy look. I skulked past the lesbian owned ‘Little Café’. I was given a cursory glance by one myopic oldgal... maybe it wasn’t such a good day for lesbian spotting. Got to a little plaza where I sat staring into space for a while until I realised I was surrounded by beautiful women. Lots of them. All blazers, tailored pants, carefree expressions and perkiness. Lesbian Gold! I had a grand time. The Parisienne must be the most classicly best dressed women anywhere.

I also spotted a boi couple walking hand in hand and kissing. KISSING! and not just a double cheek peck either. That may not be big news, but seeing lesbians show public displays of affection is too rare. More, more, more. More.

Also check out the 3W café. It means “woman with woman” and boys are allowed if accompanied by a girl. http://www.3wkafe.com/. If you get desperate, there are some tiny photos of French chicks you can look at.....

Knew you would.

Also check out http://www.paris-gay.com/communs/pages-me-pratique-la-gb.html for more links.

London calling

At the end of a month of travelling, I was more interested in the women back home than the local chicks. Sorry, epic failure on the fags from the mother country… I’m sure they exist but they weren’t hanging on the big red tourist bus waiting for me.

Aussie Aussie Aussie

Came back to a whole horde of up for it hot women in Oz :P. I love home….

Newtown

So the "gayest" place in Sydney, and perhaps Australia was a massive disappointment... but we're willing to give it another chance. We're REQUIRED to give it another chance... it's just not possible that it could be that bad... is it?

We lobbed into Newtown at around 5 o'clock and found a great (free) parking spot just off the main drag in the 'burbs (ooo ooo ooo and we saw lezzo couples walking down the street holding hands! we LOVE that!!), then wandered up to our hotel for the evening. Much to my horror, Indie had booked us in to a Youth Hostel - albeit the gayest website page owning Hostel ever... check it out "The Abbey on King". Despite the nightmares running around and around in my head clearly defining what we were about to be subjected to, it wasn't all that bad. Our room was small and smelled a bit strange - but so does most of Sydney as it turns out. The bathroom on our floor was gross and had no hot water and no toilet paper and the light kept turning off before you'd had time to dack yourself let alone do anything else... but of course, I was well prepared with all the necessities. The bathroom upstairs was not too shabby. I've seen worse toilets in bars and cafes... in fact I saw a few that were worse on our trek around Newie. The showers were pretty good. STACKS of hot water and the doors and walls went right to the floor (I like that - less chance of uptwatting on your uncovered and unsuspecting twat). The other residents - well, one was pleasant and helpful - the other 2 we saw (and heard) were... probably YHAbians.

Anyway, blah blah, enough about the accommodation that was not fabulously populated with all sorts of fun lesbians.

Round 1 was the Albion Place Hotel (technically, this was closer to round 5, but seeing as it was the heavy weights Speck and Indie, it's pretty much the same as Round 1 for everyone else ;-) )

Saturday 26th of June around 7pm
Low level of drunkeness
No lesbians
No engagement
The staff were rude
The beer was just beer
BUT the toilet (upstairs) was just LOVELY (I did consider coming back there to sleep at one point)

Around 8 o'clock we went across to the Metro to see Operator Please. We weren't going to review this because it was a concert - but it turned out we had to because that's the place we had the most fun. Which started when we lined up and a totally hot lezzo with ye olde style biker/jail bird tattoos of "LOVE"/"HATE" tattooed across her knuckles came to give us our "old enough to drink" bracelets.

So.. at the Metro, the level of drunkeness became moderate, there was a low to medium density of lesbians (way more gay boys and I'll let Indie fill in that story if she feels like it), plenty of engagement all over the place with all types of people, the staff were awesome and the drinks were reeeeeeeeaaal easy to get. The toilets were definitely not shagworthy.

It didn't take Indie long to spy a couple of hotties. I was very excited when she pointed them out and was clearly about to share with me the plan of attack... this became significantly less exciting when her plan of attack was for ME to engage them in conversation (that is NOT my super power!). Luckily we didn't have to engage them, they engaged us. That's way more fun :-). Turns out they were straight, with all the little hetero quirks we've come to expect. For example - the romantic quirk - Bec to Indie "Where are you from Indie?", Indie says "New Zealand", Bec nods knowingly "oh, so you moved here for Erika did you?". There's a severe gap in the conversation at this point while I struggle mightily not to laugh uproariously and while Indie runs the question through her head again and again and again, trying to understand it. At one point I see panic on her face as she realises she's forgotten how to decipher the Australian language, but then I see it dawn on her that, no, she does in fact understand all those words on their own, it's just the concept that that particular grouping is attempting to convey that she doesn't understand.

Two gay girls in a club together ≠ couple.

Operator Please rocked! And then it was back to Newtown to check out the Lesbian nightlife... pfft...

First stop - Zanzibar. It was fucking packed. That was the first surprise and not only to us. The staff and a few of the patrons I engaged were also surprised. They put it down to the Bank being closed (according to the sign up at the Bank there had been a "big fire" and there was nothing left but a "big mess"). So...

It was approximately midnight
Drunkeness was still moderate and required escalation (ie shots)
Density was moderate
Quality was good
Types were varied
Engagement with the lesbians was low. Indie was refusing to play. I think I managed to throw in a "hypothetically speaking..."
The drinks were good
The toilet was definitely not shagworthy
And I saved the rating for the staff for last because they get an "OMG to cuntstruck". The two women that were behind the bar that night were stunningly beautiful.
Basically if we'd been two hetero girls on a night out we'd have been set. Many, many straight men and all of them friendly. I've invented a new way of getting around them. I don't think explaining it would do it justice however, would it Indie? I think it's something you'd have to see.

So some lezzo's pointed us in the direction of the Sly Fox. They were very encouraging. Said that the Sly was the place the "ladeez" would be at. Looking back, I think the chicks that told us that were just threatened by Indie and wanted her out of Zanzibar...

The Sly Fox
Time - around 2/2.30am
Drunkeness - slightly more than moderate
Density - zero
Quality - below zero (and this applies to EVERYTHING, not just the patronage)
Types - not ours
Engagement - avoided it
Service - Kudos to them that they can stand working there
Toilets - Are you fucking kidding? There was NO WAY I was either leaving Indie alone or putting any part of myself anywhere near a toilet in this place

First off - I'd say it's only polite to forewarn potential patrons that you're showing PORN on your big screen - dirty dirty hetero PORN. I don't want to watch that... ever! And I certainly don't want to watch it in some dirty-arse pub surrounded by drunk blokes whilst being assaulted by whatever that noise was coming out of the speaker system. We'd heard this was one of the top spots in Newtown. Epic fail from this reviewer I'm afraid.

Speck